Monday, June 29, 2009

Lists are good

Stolen shamelessly from here, I present to you:
Things I should never do again at work, no matter how funny or satisfying they were the first time
1. I should not lower the hook on the crane down and leave it leaning against the door to the port-a-john.
2. I shouldn’t lean it against the door to the office trailer.
3. Especially if it’s a door that only opens out.
4. If I have done so, that’s not the proper time to go to lunch.
5. Probably shouldn’t set beams down in front of those doors either.
6. Or behind parked cars.
7. Shouldn’t throw bolts and rocks at the occupied port-a-john.
8. Shouldn’t encourage coworkers to join in.
9. When the superintendant asks why one of my guys isn’t wearing a hard hat, I shouldn’t toss him my own and say, “Now he has one.”
10. If the superintendant asks me if he can go up my ladder to the roof, I should inform him if I am about to take said ladder down.
11. Before he strands himself on the roof, not after.
12. Even if they are incapable of understanding simple words on a contract, I should not tell the superintendent and the project manager that they are illiterate.
13. When they ask what I mean, I shouldn’t define the word illiterate, and then ask if they’d like me to define “ignorant” as well.
14. When necessary, I should always try to find a tactful way of telling somebody they are looking at the blueprints backwards.
15. And that they’re on the wrong page.
16. If the concept of right and left is also baffling them, I shouldn’t point out that Koko the gorilla, may she rest in peace, knew her right from her left, in addition to knowing a couple thousand words in sign language, probably including illiterate and ignorant.
17. Balto the sled dog also knew right from left, and he knew them in Canadian, eh.
18. I shouldn’t ask what it took to become so stupid, and express mock admiration for the dedication it must have required.
19. I shouldn’t be disappointed when most of this goes over their heads.
20. When the job is finished, despite every effort of the superintendant to screw things up, and he walks up to shake hands and apologize, I shouldn’t put on my best Tommy Lee Jones good-ol’-boy voice and tell him, “aww heck, I always knew you came from a long line of bachelors,” as if it’s some colorful compliment.
21. I really shouldn’t be surprised at the flake’s outpouring of emotion at this perceived acceptance.
22. There’s really no excuse for slapping him on the back and saying, “I bet every time you go home your ol’ momma can’t help but come out from under the porch and bite you on the leg, she’s so happy to see you.”
23. Not because it’s uncalled for, but because I lifted the line from an Elmer Kelton novel, and plagiarism is wrong.
24. No matter how funny it may be, there’s no good excuse for walking up to a boomlift, switching the controls to “ground”, swinging the basket out into space, scoping it out all the way, and then pulling the keys out and throwing them into a mud puddle.
25. Hypothetically, even if I had done that, I would never point and laugh at the obnoxious carpenter who was stuck out on the end of the manlift.
26. When climbing into a crane to drive it around the job, the proper thing to say is not “Does anybody know how to work the brakes on this thing? Heck, I really don’t feel like using the mirrors anyway, ya’ll just block traffic. Better tell those kids to get out of the crosswalk.”
27. There’s no acceptable time to yell from the cab of a 300 ton crane “hey, does anybody know how to make it stop dropping something?”
28. Same goes for “Anybody think I can knock that beam out of the hook?”
29. Or “Anybody know why this button says ‘Do not push?’ Because we’re about to find out”
30. After setting a crane up, surrounded by awestruck residential carpenters giving commercial work their first try, I should not sit down in the cab, bow my head silently, straighten up, cross myself, put on the never before used seatbelt, and then throttle it up while laughing maniacally.
31. It’s also not ok to tell residential-turned-commercial electricians “It’s ok man, we haven’t dropped anything on anybody in a couple of weeks. We hardly ever kill anybody.”
32. When a connector drops his spud wrench from the second story, I should not yell out “No man, it’s 20 points for a plumber and 10 for a bricklayer, you got it backwards.”
33. I should never weld somebody’s trailer hitch to a steel column.
34. No matter how annoying a superintendent may be, I should never encourage my bridging welders to always make welding above him a priority.
35. Because even if he’s too dumb to catch on, somebody will point it out to him.
36. No matter how fed up I may be with the superintendant and general contractor, or how long they are making my Friday, or how long of a drive it is back home afterwards, I shouldn’t tell ironworkers that I’ll pay an extra hour to anybody who can get us thrown off the job.
37. Because somebody might think I’m serious.
38. And it’s hard to explain why so and so has one more hour than everybody else.
39. “What happens if we leave the bolts out of one end of this beam?” is not an acceptable way of saying “good morning.”
40. Before sending a beam up to the connectors, I should never tie a glove onto one end with the middle finger extended.
41. Because having two ironworkers hollering down from the top floor of a building, their own middle fingers raised, does not look good to the visiting architects and engineers coming out of the office trailer behind me.
42. I’m not allowed to hook an office trailer to my pick up.
43. Because that tube coming out the side goes to a septic tank.
44. It is not true that I am paid a bonus if I can get a superintendant to hide in his trailer all day.
45. Although certain bricklayers and plumbers might be willing to buy my lunch if we don’t have to deal with the guy for an entire day.
46. Just because I can hotwire a sky trak forklift does not mean I should do so to the general contractor’s.
47. Because Mike the bricklayer has a bunch of sky trak keys that will fit it, and he’ll let me borrow one.
48. Just because somebody leaves their back hoe parked in my way when they go home early does not mean I should drag it out of the way with a sky trak.
49. Unless there are no witnesses.
50. And I can leave it parked in the superintendant’s spot.

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